I watched multiple people fall through the ground. I fell through the ground. I got stuck on scenery. I got stuck in scenery. I saw a cache of items float in midair. The parkour system often fails to respond unless you hit the correct angle, or the animation will break and you’ll see the camera rapidly shift up and down as it gets caught on ledges and ceilings.
The frame rate is inconsistent, at best. Texture-streaming and autosaving cause the game to freeze for upwards of a second at a time, running off a 7200 RPM hard drive. The load times themselves are incredibly long. In optimal moments, I was lucky to hit 60 frames per second at 1080p on a GeForce GTX 980 Ti (maxed out).
And this would be fine if the game were unilaterally gorgeous, but it’s not. Sometimes it looks like the beautiful CryEngine game I expect. Other times it looks like someone ported the game to the Xbox 360. People are especially awkward, with stiff animations and poor lip-syncing. Also, they tend to face only one direction when speaking, and if you walk behind them they don’t bother to turn around. They’ll just keep speaking to the empty room. And sometimes their next stretches out like a weird snake-creature is hidden inside.
One of my saves got corrupted early on for reasons unknown, and it cost me half an hour of progress. I watched a dude hit a USPS mailbox with a baseball bat, which was particularly hilarious to me for some reason. And this happened:
Yes, it’s a truck getting stymied by a two-inch obstacle. Worth noting: Those are just the two repetitions I could fit in a reasonably-sized Giphy. This went on for upwards of a minute. There are multiple escort missions and the poor AI really shines, with whatever you’re escorting routinely encountering pathfinding issues and occasionally refusing to move at all.
Okay, back to story
And it all resolves in the most absurd, cartoon-villain fashion. Dialogue was hit-and-miss for much of the game, with the Doctor giving hamfisted “Violence isn’t the answer!” speeches every damn time he showed up—he even references Martin Luther King at one point with something along the lines of “There’s another way! A non-violent way! I have a dream, you know?” Hell, the Koreans are literally killing people in the street and he’ll send a text message saying “Remember: The KPA are people too.” Not the right time, Doc.
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