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The Macalope Special Edition: Fools of the Year

The Macalope | April 2, 2013
While the rest of the Internet braces itself for lame practical jokes, the Macalope once again doles out his assortment of hoof-made awards to those pundits who went below and beyond the call of duty in what they perceive is their job: trolling Apple. Why do they do it? The reasons vary from personal gain to inner demons to some kind of weird chemical imbalance. Remember, we're not here to judge them as people--that's for a vengeful god to do. No, we're just here to judge them as pundits who opine about Apple. And, whew, is there a lot of judging to be done.

4 - Eugene Kaspersky and the security industry

Speaking of security, that leads us to these guys. Worst. Boy band. Ever. Kaspersky continues to stomp his feet because Apple won't allow anti-virus software makers to bilk iOS users out of their hard-earned money. Forget the fact that Apple's built the most secure platform on the planet; Kaspersky says only he and his nice-operating-system-you-have-here-it'd-be-a-shame-if-something-were-to-happen-to-it buddies can protect you! That might be a little easier to believe if Kaspersky's own tool to remove the Flashback malware hadn't also removed a bunch of users' settings, too. It's no secret that Apple's still struggling with security issues, but expecting third parties like Kaspersky to save you is a fool's errand. Which makes Kaspersky the perfect poster child.

3 - Apple investors

At first the Macalope had Doug Kass, the hedge fund manager that helped talk down Apple's share price and then gobbled it up, at the number 3 spot. But then it hit him: What's foolish about that? No, the real fools are the Apple investors, who allow Kass and others like him to manipulate the company's stock price based on absolutely nothing. That goes for the ups as well as the downs. If you're long on AAPL based on Gene Munster's television set dreams, you should have your head examined. Likewise when the Wall Street Journal and Nikkei reported that Apple was cutting iPhone 5 component orders "in half," investors panicked like trembling bunnies, even though the rumor didn't make any sense. Investors are free to do what they want, but it sure seems like the company with arguably the best management team in the tech industry (or, possibly, any industry) might be considered to have a pretty good long-term outlook.

2 - Henry Blodget

This guy. Sheesh. Blodget practically founded the "Android is winning" school of thought (total party school, you don't even have to go to classes) and still holds the Jerk Emeritus chair there. Apple is not without its problems, but the idea that developers are going to abandon iOS for Android in any numbers remains laughable. But that's not Blodget's only opinion. Unfortunately. Blodget also declared Apple's suit against Samsung "lame-o" (his wording) and said he was "already annoyed by his iPhone 5" ... a month before it was announced. No, you're right, that's not actually possible. After all this, Blodget says he still doesn't understand why he hasn't "been invited into the Apple fold."

Pull the other antler.

1 - Dan Lyons

After today, we won't have Dan Lyons to kick around anymore. So, let's get one last good one in before he goes.

 

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