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The Macalope Special Edition: Fools of the Year

The Macalope | April 2, 2013
While the rest of the Internet braces itself for lame practical jokes, the Macalope once again doles out his assortment of hoof-made awards to those pundits who went below and beyond the call of duty in what they perceive is their job: trolling Apple. Why do they do it? The reasons vary from personal gain to inner demons to some kind of weird chemical imbalance. Remember, we're not here to judge them as people--that's for a vengeful god to do. No, we're just here to judge them as pundits who opine about Apple. And, whew, is there a lot of judging to be done.

While the rest of the Internet braces itself for lame practical jokes, the Macalope once again doles out his assortment of hoof-made awards to those pundits who went below and beyond the call of duty in what they perceive is their job: trolling Apple. Why do they do it? The reasons vary from personal gain to inner demons to some kind of weird chemical imbalance. Remember, we're not here to judge them as people--that's for a vengeful god to do. No, we're just here to judge them as pundits who opine about Apple. And, whew, is there a lot of judging to be done.

So let's get started!

10 - VentureBeat's John Koetsier

Like some others on this list, Koetsier knows a winner when he sees one. And the only place he sees them is at the top of the market-share list, because those other metrics like revenue and profit are for suckers. After gushing over the Microsoft Surface in a orgy of effusive statements that Losing Your Head Magazine said "is actually over the top even for us," Koetsier found time to throw a hissy fit over Apple removing the YouTube app in iOS 6. Because it was just that important. Alas, the rest of the world doesn't seem to see what Koetsier saw in the Surface.

9 - Eric Schmidt

June marked the deadline for Schmidt's prediction that more developers would ship for Android first, aaaand looking around, nooooo, that does not seem to have happened. Android may have improved its position a bit, but it's nowhere near besting iOS--not that anyone rational expected that would happen. Not to worry, as Schmidt was ready with some fresh ridiculous crap for the year! Forget his predictions of last year! They're so last year! Schmidt now wants you to know that Google is "winning" mobile because, uh, well, more people have its software installed. And that should translate into profit for Google sometime. Maybe. Any-hoo, look over there! Is Google Now for iOS all done and sitting in the App Store, waiting for approval that Apple won't give because it's a big meany?! Schmidt didn't actually come out and say that, but he sure implied it. And, of course, it's not true. Looking forward to your wacky statements in the coming year, Eric!

8 - John C. Dvorak

You know him, you love to hate him, he loves to accept your hate and stoke it into a fiery blaze: It's John C. Dvorak! (The "C," it turns out, is for "curmudgeon.") Dvorak seemed to remember his roots this year, as he returned to darken our doorstep several times. First, he said Apple would need to produce a new phone every quarter or be dooomed. Then he declared 7-inch tablets "a fad." But his magnum opus was blaming Apple for his being nothing but wrong about the iPhone. Apparently, you see, John is aggrieved because Apple did not send him an iPhone review unit. Had the company done so, he would not have suggested it "pull the plug" on the iPhone "before it's too late."

 

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