I replied, "Hey genius, I'm not here because it's working. Can you fix it?"
He told me it'd be cheaper to get a new one.
So I told him about the time I had sex with a real girl and his head exploded. It was filled with green Skittles, which was a surprise. I thought it would've been filled with loneliness and disappointment.
OK, that didn't happen.
What I did do was go up to the three fat corporate customers staring at iPhone 5's and announced, "The battery life on these is shit. Also, still not waterproof. Watch as I demonstrate."
After tipping water over all three, I now know what it's like to be thrown out of an Apple Store. It took seven of those nerds to get me out of there.
And the hot girl at the register? I totally got her phone number. Well I would've if my phone wasn't "water damaged". And the court hadn't ordered me to stay 20 metres from every Apple Store.
Alright, none of that happened either.
What did happen was that I left quietly, and then bought a secondhand iPhone 3 on ebay.
A week later, the hipster making my coffee noticed it and exclaimed, "Is that an iPhone 3? More like third world."
After he finished laughing at himself, he continued.
"Do you go home and plug it into your Commodore 64 to recharge? Download all your music onto a tape? I've got a cassette tape cover for my iPhone 5. Ironically."
He pointed me out to his over-tattooed co-workers and added, "I bet you still even make calls on landline. Or a payphone. Do they even still exist?"
So I paid for my one black coffee with a credit card, and a signature. Which made his head explode. It was filled with music that nobody could understand, from bands that never existed, played on instruments that hadn't been invented yet.
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