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Unreality check: The made-up case against Tim Cook

The Macalope | July 14, 2015
Can you believe Tim Cook is still CEO of Apple? Man, how many times does this guy have to screw up to get fired?

Can you believe Tim Cook is still CEO of Apple? Man, how many times does this guy have to screw up to get fired?

Writing for The Huffington Post (motto: "Come for the Apple bashing, stay for "Here's What Happens When You Put Canned Ravioli In 2,000-Degree Lava"), Bill Robinson has Tim Cook all figured out.

"AppleWatch: Android Clobbering iPhone & Cook's Short Slide to Insignifigance" (no link, but a tip o' the antlers to @kindaran and Peter Ryan)

ENGAGE HYPERBOLIC DRIVE! READY THE EXAGGERATRON! ALL POWER TO THE BOMBASTALATORS!

Not watching the video of the ravioli in the lava instead of reading this is just one of the Macalope's many poor life choices.

Watch as Cook, the "gentle man with a soft spot for numbers," attempts to use a confusing plethora of numbers and statistics to further lock-in and bolt-down clueless Apple iOS-bots.

As far as sick burns go, that one's feeling well enough to go to school today.

The video Robinson embeds is quick cuts of Cook saying only numbers from the WWDC Keynote. He quotes numbers! What a fraud. The video is funny, but you could do that with any company's keynote. Admittedly, the numbers from a BlackBerry keynote would all be negative, but they're still numbers.

There is context to Cook's numbers, context that the video completely removes for humorous effect. But we are not interested in pesky context here. No, Tim Cook says many numbers and when you remove any reference to what he's talking about they are revealed to be lies.

This is not Robinson's first trip down Apple Sux Lane. Probably because he lives on a cul-de-sac at the end of Apple Sux Lane.

I clearly recall as Jobs' death approached, the Apple faithful's...

Bzzt.

...fear and loathing about who might replace "the single greatest inventor to grace the world since Thomas Edison or Nikola Tesla."

Whoa, that's a pretty big statement. The Macalope wonders which of the "Apple faithful" said that. John Gruber? Jim Dalrymple? The Macalope himself?

Turns out the link is to a piece by David Ruddock... who writes for Android Police.

See, Robinson doesn't care. He just hopes you won't click through to see who said that. Or, heck, he doesn't care if you do, you're already reading his piece. The ads have been served. His mission has been accomplished.

Well, I was right. Cook has all the earmarks of a desperate man, treading water furiously while trying not to swallow too much water and go under.

Yeah, those record profits and sales are really going to kill a WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?

All anyone has to do--and I did--is take a look around the morning bus or subway. It used to be vastly weighted toward iPhones in use; now, Androids and particularly Samsung Galaxys are becoming the dominant devices.

 

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