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The Macalope Weekly: Who writes this stuff?

The Macalope | Sept. 10, 2012
It'll be a big week next weekas Apple gets set to unveil the next iPhone, and the pundits are already letting us know what a disappointment it'll be. Aren't they helpful? Frankly, the Macalope is used to that, since it happens every year. What he can't take are the trite pop culture comparisons to Apple that some people think are oh-so-smart. At least those we can argue about. Our last pundit this week can't even get basic facts right. Oh, the Macalope's aching antlers!

Note that he doesn't say that the iPhone 4S is a bad phone; his sole grouse is about Siri, and he uses that to justify his contention that buyers of the next iPhone are just buying it because it's new. Forget the utility of possible features like LTE or a larger screen. You're just a bunch of rubes.

It'll be no surprise that Business Insider's Henry Blodget also wants to get his kicks in at the next iPhone.

"I Just Played With Samsung's Amazing Galaxy S III And Now I'm Even More Annoyed By My iPhone 5" (no link, you know the drill)

I was all set to buy my iPhone 5 last year, when everyone expected the iPhone 5 to be released. But then Apple went and released a modest upgrade to the iPhone 4...

Despite his complaints that the next iPhone won't have a screen the size  of the deck of a bateau mouche like Samsung's do and that the power connector might be different, Blodget says he's still going to get one.

But he's verrry upset about it!

But still buying one.

Under protest, mind you!

Why the passive-aggressive whining?

Because if I'm going to finally shell out another $200 for a new phone, it would be nice to be buying the best one on the market.

Wait, why exactly are buying an iPhone if you don't think it's the best phone on the market? That's not on Apple, that's on you. Why don't you sort out your personal masochism issues before you sit down to write another piece about the iPhone?

Writing bad

Every once in a while the Macalope will advise you to take a moment, before wading into a particular piece, to prepare yourself through whatever means you use--calisthenics, wind sprints, stretching, what have you--because this one's going to be a doozy.

This is such an instance.

So take a minute and offer a prayer to whatever gods you worship before daring to read "How Apple's story is like 'Breaking Bad'" (tip o' the antlers to Andrew Wadsworth).

This ... is CNN. The most trusted name in tortured analogies.

Yes, congratulations to Omar L. Gallaga for committing an atrocity that, while not specifically proscribed by The Hague as a war crime, certainly violates the spirit of international humanitarian law.

If you want to know how Apple's epic run turns out or how its ongoing battle with longtime rival Microsoft is resolved, you can watch the series, which ends its current half-season of eight episodes with a finale Sunday night.

No, actually, you can not. It's one thing to loosely draw a parallel. It's another to claim they're one and the same.

 

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