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The Macalope Weekly: Who writes this stuff?

The Macalope | Sept. 10, 2012
It'll be a big week next weekas Apple gets set to unveil the next iPhone, and the pundits are already letting us know what a disappointment it'll be. Aren't they helpful? Frankly, the Macalope is used to that, since it happens every year. What he can't take are the trite pop culture comparisons to Apple that some people think are oh-so-smart. At least those we can argue about. Our last pundit this week can't even get basic facts right. Oh, the Macalope's aching antlers!

It'll be a big week next week as Apple gets set to unveil the next iPhone, and the pundits are already letting us know what a disappointment it'll be. Aren't they helpful? Frankly, the Macalope is used to that, since it happens every year. What he can't take are the trite pop culture comparisons to Apple that some people think are oh-so-smart. At least those we can argue about. Our last pundit this week can't even get basic facts right. Oh, the Macalope's aching antlers!

Pre-hated for your convenience

The cycle of technology upgrades gets faster every year. Why, now you don't even need to wait for the next iPhone to be announced for pundits to tell you how lame it is!

MarketWatch's Jon Friedman doesn't even want to look at it.

"Get that Apple iPhone 5 out of my face"

How is there an iPhone 5 in your face when it hasn't been announced yet? Are you in a time machine?

Apple is expected to unveil its newest smartphone model, which everyone has already dubbed the iPhone 5, on Sept. 12.

Everyone except the only people who matter: Apple.

I don't want to hear about the presumably superior way I'll be able to take and store photos and all the rest.

Yeah! New things are annoying!

Don't misunderstand me. I have a Macbook [sic] Pro.

Oh, hey, it's street cred time! Yes, it's time for Friedman to wax on about how "down" he is with Apple so don't you dare accuse him of knee-jerk Apple hating. His knee is jerking for some other weird reason, thank you very much.

Before I purchased my first iPhone in late 2010, my iPod was seldom out of reach. Apple makes useful, shiny...

Shiny! All Apple products must be described as "shiny" in order to achieve maximum condescension.

...products that are more crucial to my existence than clean air or water.

LOL, GOOD ONE, BRO. STREET CRED ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED.

And yet, I am proud to say that I won't rush out to get an iPhone 5 for the same reason that many of you will do so--whether you actually want to admit it or not: simply because it is new.

You people are all idiots! Friedman, however, is enlightened. See, your uninformed positive outlook on the next iPhone merely shows how much of a sheep you are. Only an uninformed negative reaction is valid.

What's Friedman's pre-beef with the next iPhone?

It boils down to the old expression, Fool me once, shame on you--fool me twice, shame on me.

Turns out Friedman's entire complaint is that he feels like Siri doesn't work like it's advertised. And that's a fair point. You can say it's still in beta and you can say the ads have disclaimers but Siri is disappointing. If it's still a beta because Apple recognizes it's not quite there yet, then Apple shouldn't be making it the centerpiece of iPhone advertising.

 

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