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The Macalope Weekly: One side fits all

The Macalope | March 24, 2014
When it comes to the world of punditry about Apple, you must be of a singular vision. And that vision is basically the robot apocalypse future of Terminator, except isolated to Cupertino.

What if iPhone growth has stopped?

Or, what if sales are 4 million units better than expected?

It goes on and on like this. And it's not just one scenario, it's 14 scenarios and 2,800 words in which everything goes bad for Apple and great for its competitors.

Rather than read Edwards's relentlessly one-sided piece, you'd be better off reading what's in the sidebar. Under "Watch & Learn" are three "stories" that Business Insider thinks are important for you to read: "What It Takes To Work At Hooters," "How They Make Lingerie Models Look So Good," and "Here's How Supermodel Adriana Lima Stays In Ridiculously Good Shape."

The Macalope's going to guess it's not by stuffing herself silly with alfalfa.

Gone in 60 days
Mark it on your calendars, folks! Apple's doom is nigh!

"Time is ticking for Apple to announce an iWatch, say analysts" (tip o' the antlers to @JonyIveParody).

Remember netbooks and how Apple needed to introduce one of those or go out of business? Good times.

Apple needs an iWatch sooner rather than later, or the company will risk losing its innovative edge to rivals, analysts say.

Are you sure that's what they said? Sometimes it's hard to understand someone when their mouth is full of paste and paint chips.

"They only have 60 days left to either come up with something or they will disappear," said Trip Chowdhry, managing director at Global Equities Research.

60 days. Disappear. Poof. What does one even say about such analysis?

The Macalope's trying to figure out what Chowdry's game is here. He's been talking trashabout Apple for at leastfive years. It certainly doesn't make him look smart. Maybe it's a cry for help.

Chowdry says Apple has 60 days to save themselves and yet he has an $800 price target for the stock. So, the Macalope's going to go with "cry for help."

"It will take years for Apple's $130 billion in cash to vanish, but it will become an irrelevant company ... it will become a zombie, if they don't come up with an iWatch."

Ohhh, wait, maybe Chowdry is just a big viral marketing campaign for The Walking Dead. That would make more sense than him thinking this is good analysis that his clients can use.

So, Apple must release an iWatch specifically. Because the smartwatch market is taking off and not at all in the bumbling, nascent phase where everyone is secretly hoping Apple will hurry up and make one so they can copy it. Uh huh.

While Chowdhry's prediction may be at the extreme end ...

Good context. Thanks.

... other analysts echo his sentiment.

 

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