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The Macalope Weekly: One side fits all

The Macalope | March 24, 2014
When it comes to the world of punditry about Apple, you must be of a singular vision. And that vision is basically the robot apocalypse future of Terminator, except isolated to Cupertino.

When it comes to the world of punditry about Apple, you must be of a singular vision. And that vision is basically the robot apocalypse future of Terminator, except isolated to Cupertino.

And then the aliens invade
It must be easy to write for Business Insider. All you have to do is take one side of things—the anti-Apple side—and ...

Actually, that's it. There is no Step 2. Well, press "publish."

Writing for Business Insider, Jim Edwards describes:

"Apple: The Worst-Case Scenario" (no link, partly because it bugs them when the Macalope doesn't link, but tip o' the antlers to @JonyIveParody and Dan James).

Apple just had its biggest-ever quarter, with $58 billion in revenues, up 7%. It booked $170 billion in sales last year, up 9%.

Yep. Put a fork in it. It's done.

Yet people are openly worrying that Apple has lost its way.

Well, Business Insider writers. Are Business Insider writers really "people"? There's a lot of evidence they're actually fish.

And God knows no one has ever worried that Apple has lost its way before. This is a startling new trend.

Analysts are writing negative reports to their investors.

Ohs. Noes.

There are doubts about whether Apple will deliver any new products—a watch? a TV?—this year beyond new iterations of the iPhone.

Some people doubt Apple is even real. These people believe this "Apple' is nothing more than a government plot to steal our money, and they wonder where the nurse is with their Jell-O.

And even those will likely be a catch-up models spurred by the success of rival, big-screen phones.

Ooh, douché. Surely Apple execs will be sobbing into wads of $100 bills over that sick burn.

But Apple also makes mistakes. This was the company that fired Steve Jobs. This is the company that lost the desktop war to Microsoft's Windows.

Edwards had to go back to the 1990s to find big mistakes.

And on mobile devices, Apple has only a minority share while Google's Android has become the phone for the masses.

Gosh, it's a good thing then that it still takes 60 percent of the mobile profits.

This is a game we play with Business Insider. Business Insider repeatedly says "MARKET SHARE BLAZZLEROZZLE!" and we say "PROFIT SHARE HOOZLEWOOZLE!" It's fun.

So it's worth asking: What would happen to Apple if everything that can go wrong does go wrong?

And, while Business Insider is doing that, why not ask what would happen if everything that can go right for Google and Samsung does go right? And then they can knock off for the day, because that covers all their imaginable scenarios.

 

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