Subscribe / Unsubscribe Enewsletters | Login | Register

Pencil Banner

The Macalope Weekly: It's a dirty job

The Macalope | Nov. 12, 2012
Turns out some people still don't get why the Macalope does what he does

Not a pummeling. No. That would be excessive. Just one solid sock right to the jaw. The man went to the moon, for crying out loud.

But apart from the economic and moral issues, these folks are also just funny. There's a reason why people love fictional dumb guy characters like Homer Simpson, Señor Chang, and Rob Enderle. People like to laugh at idiots. It's in our nature.

Arment concedes that silly pundit takedowns are the Macalope's job, and with a rack like this it's hard to disagree with that. Seriously, just look at these things. Sometimes the Macalope will stand in front of the bathroom mirror for hours, just flexing and ...

Uh, well, anyway.

It's a fine line to walk, and we all have our own personal limits. But the Macalope does take his job and his responsibility seriously. It's just the silly pundits he doesn't take seriously.

Damned if you do...

Let's track how this went down.

First, people were saying there was trouble at the ol' sawmill because Tim Cook was not Steve Jobs and he couldn't handle Scott Forstall. Meanwhile, John Browett was personally dismantling Apple Stores across the land and turning them into Best Buys. EXECUTIVES GONE WILD! APPLE DOOMED! You know the drill.

Turns out Cook can handle Forstall, by showing him the door. This makes the rest of the executives happy. Bob Mansfield is so happy he decides to hang around for a few more years and work on [REDACTED], which is super-cool because it takes [REDACTED] and adds [REDACTED] to it, basically making it a space-cyborg-unicorn version of [REDACTED] and completely reinventing the [REDACTED] market.

In addition, Cook jettisoned John Browett, who did more damage to Apple retail in six months than all those people driving cars through Apple Store windows to grab MacBooks combined. Also, the Macalope heard he makes a funny noise when he eats soup. That's just a thing he heard. You can see how that would bother the other executives.

Sort of like a "Gloink!" noise. The Macalope doesn't know if this is true or not but, just saying, it's "out there," so it would be irresponsible not to talk about it.

That is to say, it's "out there" now. Now that the Macalope has mentioned it.

(Gloink!)

So, anyway, Cook gets rid of these two thorns in his side, both of whom were predicted to rain fiery doom on Apple, and is confidence restored? Noooooo! Of course not! This is Apple we're talking about! Now the story is about the great concern raised by getting rid of these two thorns in his side. NPR even brought always-wrong Trip Chowdhry-he who said the iPad mini would have "mediocre customer adoption"-on Marketplace to talk about how bad this was. The Macalope gets why some sites post dumb things about Apple to drive up traffic, but why a Wall Street analyst? "I can barely tie my shoes or add fractions! Invest with my firm!"

 

Previous Page  1  2  3  4  Next Page 

Sign up for CIO Asia eNewsletters.