Subscribe / Unsubscribe Enewsletters | Login | Register

Pencil Banner

The Macalope Weekly: CEO chatter

The Macalope | Nov. 6, 2012
It’s all about the CEOs this week, as Steve Ballmer takes potshots at Apple, Amazon’s Jeff Bezos gets a love letter, and Tim Cook gets a “Dear John” letter.

Dear Tim,

DO YOU LIKE ME? CHECK YES OR NO. I DO NOT LIKE YOU.

Seriously, are you thirteen years old? Do you even hear yourself?

Theres no easy way to put this so Ill just come right out with it.

Im addicted to cough syrup.

Im leaving you. Its been great (mostly) but its over.

Tim Cook:

Dear Ed: Drive safe. Dont let the door hit you in the butt on the way out.

I figured the least I could do is to explain my decision in full

No! Not at all! The least you could do is just go away quietly. Instead you wrote over 2400 words about your feelings.

Not that Apple gives a rip, but this just reveals what kind of self-centered nit Conway is. If this were a real break-up letter, it would the worst break-up letter in the history of the world. No one whos getting dumped wants to be forced to hear about your feelings. Here, let the Macalope show you the longest break-up letter anyone should ever write:

Dear [person I am breaking up with]: I am breaking up with you to go out with someone who has better body parts. There is no hope of us getting back together. Im not sorry. Goodbye.

Instead we get this.

Ive been with you, with Apple I mean, for 13 years now ever since 1999. Perhaps youve forgotten: I was a spotty teenager

Thats a surprise.

I bought one of your cute little translucent iBooks. Slowly but surely I painted most parts of my technological life a bright shade of Apple. Lets see: Ive owned two iMacs, a number of iBooks

Snnnnnnnnnnzzzzzzzzzz

Ill admit I became dependent on you clingy, even.

This much we can agree on.

I never thought I would utter these words, but here goes: Im leaving you.

YOU ALREADY SAID THIS. ITS IN THE TITLE AND THE LEDE. IS BUSINESS INSIDER PAYING YOU BY THE WORD?

Finally, we get to Conways list of reasons. First, he doesnt like iOS 6. Fine. Personally, the Macalope loves it, but thats his prerogative. But this?

This is going to sound awful, but I cant think of any big product youve re-imagined well since the iPad, and that was almost three years ago.

His solution? Moving to Samsung.

Please, Ed, name one market Samsung has reinvented, like ever.

That isnt tungsten.

3. Youre not cool anymore

The fact is that Apple used to be edgy; it used to be associated with the counterculture; it used to be rebellious. I liked that.

The Macalope will ask again, are you, in fact, thirteen years old?

Do you want to know the beginning of the end of our relationship? It was when you decided to include an SD slot in your MacBooks.

 

Previous Page  1  2  3  4  5  Next Page 

Sign up for CIO Asia eNewsletters.