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Not exactly missing it: Apple's quarterly results

The Macalope | July 24, 2015
Apple announced its quarterly results this week and it's like waking up to Sonny and Cher singing "I've got you, babe!"

DANGER LURKS AROUND EVERY CORNER. This is the business news equivalent of the TV news "Are spiders literally crawling into your mouth by the hundreds every night as you sleep?" story. Which is actually true, they are crawling into your mouth by the hundreds. You ever see those videos of red crab migrations? It's just like that except it ends in your mouth instead of the ocean.

"It's going to be running up against really hard comparisons," said Abhey Lamba, an analyst at Mizuho Securities USA Inc.

Hard in the sense that they're hard to make? "Apple is like... uh, the Death Star? Giant but still man-made? That's not quite right. How about a perpetual motion machine? Wait... cold fusion! No..."

Truth be told, there really aren't any comparisons to be made anymore. Apple has reached a level of incomparable success. Which is why analysts and pundits consistently call for it crash and burn because it's the only ending they understand.

"We looked back at similar periods for iPhone and iPad when they were originally launched, and we've actually sold more Apple Watches than we sold iPhone and iPad at the time," Luca Maestri, Apple's chief financial officer, said in an interview.

Is it any wonder they don't want to release specific numbers? No matter what they are, they'll never be good enough.

Well, the horny one looks forward to doing this again next quarter Bloomberg. 'Til death do us part.


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