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Not exactly missing it: Apple's quarterly results

The Macalope | July 24, 2015
Apple announced its quarterly results this week and it's like waking up to Sonny and Cher singing "I've got you, babe!"

Apple announced its quarterly results this week and it's like waking up to Sonny and Cher singing "I've got you, babe!". Despite selling a ridiculous number of iPhones, Apple didn't sell enough according to Wall Street because analysts thought they'd sell even more iPhones. 35 percent growth is apparently not enough to feed the maw of the mindless beast that controls our economy.

Let's go to Bloomberg for the most on-point explanation of the quarterly failure to appease the Gods by jumping into this lava pit of the vanities. To be honest, there are at least a dozen pieces that are about as bad. The only reason the Macalope picked Bloomberg is, well, someone has to pay.

"Apple IPhone sic Shipments, Revenue Forecast Miss Estimates"

For the 10,000th time, who missed what again?

Apple Inc.'s iPhone shipments for the fiscal third quarter and the company's revenue forecast for the current period missed analysts' projections, raising questions over whether demand for the device has peaked.

Explain to the Macalope how this supposedly works in terms that do not violate the tenets of logic that bind our universe together. First of all, as we point out almost every quarter, Apple didn't "miss" anything. Analysts missed. The Macalope knows it hurts the tender feelings of the masters of the universe on Wall Street to suggest that they made a mistake of any kind, but when it's your job to tell your customers in advance how many iPhones Apple sold in a particular quarter, it's you who's going to hit or miss, not Apple. Apple ships what they ship. You guessed wrong. You screwed up. Are we clear on that?

No, of course not. We will never be clear on that. We shall forever be locked in this battle, like a parent trying to get an intractable toddler to eat his peas.

Now, onto our second misunderstanding.

Shares fell as much as 8.8 percent in extended trading.

Like they always do. And why do they? Not because "Apple missed" by failing to meet your inflated guesses based on who knows what, but because investors are taking profit. Just like the philosophy that says "Bring a flat amount to the casino and only bet that," you need to cash out from time to time and investors buy on the rumor and sell on the news.

Does it seem odd to anyone else that a cartoon of a man/elk with a Classic Mac for a head has to explain this to a business news organization? Seems weird.

Any indication of slowing demand for iPhones could spark concern that Apple is going to have a hard time selling more smartphones in the final months of the year...


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