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Analysts say the craziest things

The Macalope | April 14, 2014
It is not true that becoming a Wall Street analyst drives you insane. Most of them were insane long before they graduated from college, got a house in Greenwich, CT, and went to work writing ridiculous stuff about Apple.

It is not true that becoming a Wall Street analyst drives you insane. Most of them were insane long before they graduated from college, got a house in Greenwich, CT, and went to work writing ridiculous stuff about Apple. Correlation is not always causation, people.

Two angles of dumb
Every six months, Piper Jaffray's Gene Munster takes time off from praying and offering ritual sacrifices to the old gods in return for an Apple television and instead bugs a whole bunch of high school kids. Once again, the results are Apple-friendly.

"Survey: More Teens Are Buying iPhones, And Craving An iWatch" (It's Forbes so no link).

Which is useful information, because now we can gauge how teens react to things about which they know nothing. Turns out they crave things about which they know nothing!

The survey, which questioned approximately 7,500 teens across the U.S., found that 61% owned an iPhone ...

Well, let's be careful here: 61 percent of the teens surveyed said they owned an iPhone. But Piper Jaffray doesn't survey all teens. They only survey upper-income and middle-income teens. They do survey more middle-income teens, but that's probably just to adjust for population.

Gene Munster and crew are either unconcerned about what lower-income kids like or are just scared to visit their schools. Maybe that's a good thing. Those kids have it hard enough without Gene Munster badgering them as to whether they're "really interested," "super interested," or "ZOMG SO INTERESTED" in a $3500 Apple television set.

So, do teens love Apple products? Sure. Why wouldn't they? They probably also love Galaxy S4s, popular movies, pizza, and other teen stereotypes.

But do 61 percent of them own an iPhone? Probably not, when Piper Jaffray has conveniently cut out the demographic least likely to own the product made by Apple, its former investment banking client.

Munster expects Apple to sell 5-10 million iWatches in the first year of shipments.

That seems reasonable. Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems shipped about that many oscillation overthrusters in its first year, too, so, yeah.

Other brands the survey concluded that teens love are Nike, Hollister, Coach, and Forever 21. Which, the Macalope hates to tell you, teens, is an unachievable goal--one day you will get old and gross. Sorry.

Now, while this can't be considered conclusive evidence that 61 percent of teens in the U.S. own an iPhone, the Macalope wouldn't be surprised to find out that Apple's products are popular with teens. So, a year ago when goofball marketing firms looking to get their name in the press were saying things like "Teens are telling us Apple is done" because what they really like is the Surface ... well, the horny one didn't really take that seriously, either.

 

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